Making Friends Is Like Dating

I am not too good at making friends. I don’t do well in big social situations and always have this feeling that everyone else already has their bestie, so why should I bother.

Despite this, however, I know that I need friends in my life. Back in Cape Town, before I moved to the US, I had the most beautiful friends. I had connected with a group of women that I felt so close to – we shared so much, laughed even more, and I never felt judged or alone. I miss those ladies so much.

Since moving, I have had to start from scratch. And let me tell you, making new friends is very much like dating.

I feel that as we get older, the people we click with get fewer and fewer. Back in high school, it was easier to form friendships and feel a connection with several people. These days, at least for me, it is not that simple. Again, like dating, I need to feel a kinship, a sharing of general thoughts, lifestyle and beliefs before pursuing a friendship further.

But let’s back it up a sec and break this “make a new friend” thing down.

So, you meet a new person and think, “ok, she/he is kinda cool, perhaps we should hang out again”. First things first, someone has to initiate the option to hang out again, which of course includes the exchange of phone numbers. Perhaps not as scary as asking someone out on an actual date, but still has the essence of putting yourself out there. Fortunately, unlike dating, someone can have more than 1 friend, so that is on your side.

Of course, you can always go the more gentle route of Facebook friending first, which is a great option, but you run the risk of staying in the FBF zone, Facebook-Friend zone, which can be tricky to get out of. I mean, once you’re hooked into liking and viewing and commenting, why bother taking it further? It has become FBO – Facebook Official.

For this purpose, however, say you have opened the door to an actual real life meet-up and have swapped numbers. Next step is to make digital contact. And here is where the next dating-like obstacle lies: how long do you wait before asking your potential new friend out? Does the absence of romance imply that there is no acceptable length of time to wait, before which you may just look desperate and sad? Tricky one. Perhaps you settle for the immediate “so nice meeting you” text, which is followed by a few days silence before the big one –  “want to meet for coffee?”. Good choice.

Next comes the “date”. Once again, just because there is no potential for make outs and marriage proposals, does not mean that every platonic coffee date has to work out.

As adults, we have limited time to spend with people that are not work colleagues, spouse or kids. Our free time becomes precious. And, if you’re like me and a bit of an extroverted introvert (I’m so glad this category has been formalised) then your free time is further depleted by the essential need for recharging “me” time. Plus, after years of naively giving away time and energy to people you don’t spark with, we have now wisely learnt that it is vital to spend time only with those who lift us up.

With all that said, the answer is of course “no”. No, every platonic coffee date most certainly does not have to work out. Sometimes you just don’t click with someone and you have to move on. Bummer. But at least you tried.

The final dating-like element that is worth mentioning is the rare, but still possible, friend break up. I have only had to do this once, fortunately, because, unlike romantic partners, dying friendships can almost always fade away completely without the awkward conversation. And, thanks again to Facebook, FUF – Facebook UnFriending – is a perfectly acceptable, confrontation free method of ending a friendship.

Even though we talk fairly regularly, I miss my BFFs in Cape Town so much. And it is hard to replace such friendships, especially when they took years to evolve to where they are now. I yearn for that closeness, that supportive, non judgemental, like-minded bond. With not too much experience in the dating world, coupled with the kind of introverted personality that I have, I understand that it may take me some time, but it is an integral part of adding beauty and happiness to my joyful adventure.

Tara 

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