The Bests and Worsts of Being a Stay-At-Home Mom

I cannot deny that I am extremely fortunate to be able to stay home with my child(ren). I am a mom to a beautiful, albeit feisty, 13 month baby girl, Maya, and we also have another mystery-gendered baby on the way, due sometime in July.

It wasn’t necessarily part of my life plan to be a stay-at-home mom, but after moving to the USA, my life plans got hit with an enormously effective curveball and so it just made sense to our family for me to stay home.

It is a joy…

…most of the time.

If you are a stay-at-home mom or dad then you can relate when I say that this “job” is in no way the relaxing, spend-all-day-in-athleisure, hanging-out-at-coffee-shops experience that many might think it is. If I am dressed in something resembling athleisure, it is because I literally had no time to get dressed into something that would make me feel more attractive. Coffee shop hangouts stop being enjoyable the second your child starts to crawl. And relaxing? Ha. What does look like again?

All that being said, there are magical parts to the full time mom thing. For that reason I have compiled a list of the (in my opinion) bests and worsts of being a stay-at-home mom.

Let’s start with the worsts:

• There seems to be this perception that those who opt to stay home are either lazy, stupid, just trying to sponge off their hard-working partner, or all of the above. The oh-so popular introductory question of “so what do you do” is now my least favorite. This is because, when you have to answer with, “I am home with my kids”, the response you get is a kind of blank stare that is coupled with mild panic because all the prepared and predictable responses the person had ready suddenly become worthless. I then often get the distinct feeling that I am written off as having nothing to contribute to the potential friendship and escape routes begin to formulate.
• Just because I made the choice to stay home with my children, does not mean that I do not have dreams, goals and aspirations. I have just chosen to temporarily put them on hold for this season of life. This can be extremely difficult to cope with sometimes; to have a dream that you cannot pursue, while at the same time watching your peers pursue theirs, is incredibly tough. I understand that it was my choice, but with every choice comes a sacrifice and this sacrifice is a particularly big one.
• Being at home most of the day, I spend an extraordinary amount of time with my baby. This comes with endless one-sided and/or baby-like conversations, mundane, simple tasks and a lot of under-stimulating repetition. It is easy to, on some days, feel as if my brain is turning to jelly. I miss the intellectual challenges of a fast-paced, knowledge-seeking job. I miss the intelligent conversations that, when they do happen, do not get interrupted by poops, tantrums and/or the need to, once again, follow Maya to her ideal destination: the stairs.
• Being at home all day can also be very lonely. Social interactions are down to a minimum and at times its easy to feel isolated. As I do 90% of the childcare myself, I do not have the network of nannies and babysitters that other parents do. Furthermore, despite being a hugely important “job”, it does not earn any money. Combine those 2 factors together and I am left feeling so guilty about taking time out for myself that never, and I mean literally never, do it. My husband, Derek, is amazing and fortunately his work schedule means he is home a lot during the day. As such, there are times when he takes Maya for a walk or to the park and I get to spend some time alone. But, I have never paid money for someone else to watch Maya so I could do something for me. I just haven’t reached the point yet where I am comfortable doing that. I would feel too guilty. After all, it would be the equivalent of taking time out from work to do something personal.
• This last point is something I am working very hard to correct and it is why I started this blog site to begin with. Being a stay-at-home mom has resulted in a huge identity crisis. In the matter of one final push, my whole identity changed – from wife, yogi, surfer, runner and aspiring journalist, to mom. The end. Being a full time mom is so all encompassing that there is virtually no space left for anything else. In the first couple months, you don’t really notice – you are too in awe of this new life. But as you start to figure out your routine and that you do actually know how to keep this tiny human alive, suddenly you start to notice  what is missing – you. If you do not have a career to go back to, it can feel impossible to figure out how to incorporate some of the old you into the new you. There just isn’t any room. And so you sacrifice…over and over and over again. It has taken me a year to realise the importance of this; the effects it has on, not only me, but my children and my hubby. It is absolutely vital to put value and effort back into your own self-improvement. Like I said, I am on this journey as we speak.

Now on to the bests:

• I am around for every beautiful moment of my child’s life. I never miss the “firsts”. And, even more magical than the “firsts”, I never miss the simple moments of joy and discovery. The little details that flicker by like a hummingbird can be so easily skipped, even when you are around. I can’t imagine blocking out that much time now that I am aware of the changes that happen in a day.

• I get to be there, not just for the magical moments, but in her hardest moments as well; when she needs me most. Although not life-altering struggles right now, at the naïve age of 1, we are forming that treasured and vital connection of trust and reliability that I hope will last us a lifetime. I dream of one day being that person that Maya and baby Nugget come to, no matter what it is that is going on in their lives. Today I get the privilege of holding her when the scary carpenter bee flies by. Over the years, I hope to continue to be the one who holds her when she needs to be comforted.
• We are besties, Maya and I. We spend so much time together that we are incredibly close. The thought of this relationship not only continuing, but growing in closeness is something that dreams are made of. I am so fortunate to be able to authentically call my mom my best friend. Isn’t that an awesome thing? Who wouldn’t want that with their daughter?
• Despite how hard it can be at times, I know without a doubt in my mind, that I will have absolutely no regrets about having made the choice I have made. It is often said that, when you reach your final moments of life, the things you value most are the time spent with those you love most. What a blessing that I am able to do just that with my precious babies.

Tara 

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