Why Is Your 1 Year Old Throwing Tantrums? And how to handle it…

I thought I had a bit more time before the tantrum throwing began. After all, isn’t it called the “terrible TWO’s”?! I feel as if I have only just figured out my rhythm with Maya – how to get her to eat solids, keeping her entertained, and she’s finally sleeping through the night. I thought discipline struggles were a while off.

I really should have known better. After all, the most consistent thing about mom-hood is the fact that just when you get comfortable and think you’ve got something figured out, something will change and you’ll find yourself with a whole new challenge.

Perhaps this is socially a good thing. Without new areas of clueless-ness, what would us stay-at-home moms have to talk about? Haha.

Anyhoo… yes, the tantrums have begun at 13 months.

At first I thought they were pretty funny. They started out rather cute, really only showing their teeth when she couldn’t do something properly, like putting a lid on her cup. “I can deal with this,” I thought, as this has the simple solution of just helping the not-too-dextrous kid out.

However, the tantrums quickly (like within a week) graduated to the much less adorable “I don’t want to do that” or “how dare you take that away from me” freak outs. Now I am in a pickle.

The easiest solution is of course to just give her what she wants, but we all know that this is not a smart mom move in the long run. And, not having earned the elusive Perfect Parent certificate, I have certainly lost my temper and/or given in when I knew I shouldn’t. So, what are my options?

This question led to some soul searching and I have reached, what I believe to be, an important understanding of where my child is in this season of her life.

Let’s paint a picture…

Imagine that you are standing in a room full of people. You know these people. They care about you and you care about them. What’s more, you really trust these people. Suddenly you find yourself desperately thirsty. Your mouth is dry, your throat begins to burn a little and you can’t stop swallowing, in an effort to provide some moisture. So, naturally, you start to look around for a glass of water. You see a cup on a table and you’re pretty sure it is filled with water. Phew.

But you can’t get to it. Every time you try and get over to the table, something is in your way. When you finally get closer, by which time you are even more dehydrated, you realise, with a sinking heart, that you cannot reach the table. It is too high.

You begin to ask for help from the people around you that you trust so much, but your words don’t come out and no one understands you. Instead, they start
responding in ways that are completely contrary to what you are trying to communicate; offering other things and, worst of all, moving you further away from the table. By this point, you are desperate, so you start yelling and yelling, shaking, arching your back, anything to get the right attention. Still, no one understands you. “Why is everyone ignoring me?”.

This, I believe, is what is going on when our little ones throw a tantrum.

Makes some sense, right?!

Now, I am not a doctor, a psychologist, or an expert in children in any way. I am just a mom who is trying to understand the inner workings of her one year old baby girl. And when I try and picture what this must be like for her, it just makes sense.

Maya is still so little, but in a lot of ways she is fast developing her independent mind. And with that desire for independence comes a frustrating conflict between the desire and the capabilities she needs to fulfil it. She knows what she wants, but she is not yet ready to communicate it or do it herself. She is in a developmental grey area.

How to handle this frustration as a parent?

Once again, put yourself in the “can’t reach the water” scenario. Imagine if, when you started yelling in desperation, everyone around you starting angrily shouting back at you, berating you for making an unnecessary noise, embarrassing them or acting childish? How would this help you? How would this make you feel?

When I think of this, I realise that getting angry with Maya is not going to help at all. In fact, it may make her feel isolated, alone in her struggles and sad.

Back to the water example… what if someone in the room approached you, sat down with you, maybe gave you a hug and spoke to you calmly? “I understand that you are frustrated. I am trying to understand what you’re asking for. Let’s take a few deep breaths and figure it out together.” If I was in that desperate situation, I know that this concern and care would certainly help me.

It’s not going to work successfully every time and I recognise that some situations are different. But as I get dealt with these enormously challenging parenting moments, I will try to remember this and hopefully approach my little, growing, independent human with as much peace, love and understanding as possible. I hope to encourage this independence as much as I can, rather than stifle it.

Tara 

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