I am not successful, but I am happy... what I learnt from Kate Spade

I recently got home from a week walking the island of Manhattan, NYC. It was a family trip with my hubby, Derek, and baby Maya, as well as my dad and step mom. What an awesome week. What an awesome city.

However, as I walked the busy streets, soaking in the infectious energy, I began to feel inadequate. Here is a city, which by reputation and the perception of outsiders, is the “you’ve made it” city. No matter what industry you are in (with the exception of, I guess, farming or something else like that), if you can be successful in New York, you are top of the top.

I grew up wanting to be in media. The dream started out as the typical rich and famous celebrity dream, but over time evolved toward news broadcasting. I pursued this in South Africa and felt like I was on the right track – doing something I enjoyed and that I was pretty good at.

Then I moved to Atlanta – a move, which seems like it would have been ideal for an aspiring journalist. It wasn’t. I struggled to find work, which took its toll on me mentally. I soon fell pregnant as well and, seeing as I wasn’t working in my dream industry anyway, we decided that I would do the mom thing.

Let me quickly clarify that I love being a full time mom. I am certain that, with the wisdom of retrospect, I am going to be insanely grateful that I had this privilege.

That being said, however, it can be hard at times to be aware of the fact that, with each passing month, my career dreams and goals are moving further and further away from me.

Furthermore, one cannot deny that the cultural perception of the stay at home mom is less than favourable. Even after 15 months, I still dread the question, “so, what do you do?”. My answer, to most people, is seen as an easy way out – sponging off my husband while sipping coffee and chilling in athleisure. I could be totally wrong about this, but it is how I feel.

So, during the 1st half of the week in New York, I felt like a failure. I watched the people going about their day and imagined who they were, what their dreams were, and how they had probably worked really hard to get there. And as my mind wandered, so I began to feel more and more separate from their world; so unbelievably far away from reaching my own dreams.

It bummed me out. I felt inferior, insignificant, and that my life was without purpose or passion.

Then we read the news about Kate Spade. Man, what a tragedy. The story really shook me. I cried for her family – her daughter in particular. I thought about my daughter, Maya, imagining her waking up and realising that her mommy was no longer around. Even now, as I imagine this, it brings tears and an ache in my heart.

Hearing of someone’s loss like this is often sad and, when we can attempt to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, hopefully it will motivate us to love and appreciate those in our lives more.

I definitely felt this. But something else happened too…

The AirB&B that we were staying at was on the Upper East Side and literally 2 blocks away from Kate Spade. We walked past her Park Avenue home every day and, on the morning that the news broke, we were there – watching amidst the crowds of other onlookers and media.

Now I do not know exactly when she took her life – what time of day – but for some reason my mind told me that it had been the previous evening. And it was this that really taught me something. Here’s why…

My day started off with all the feelings described above: failure, inadequacy, insignificance. It ended with me sitting on the couch alongside my family, drinking champagne, eating pizza and laughing hysterically at Friends re-runs, while my beautiful baby girl lay sleeping peacefully in the next room.

At the same time, only 2 blocks away, another mom, who through the lens of objectivity was living the perfect life, chose to end her life. Despite all her success and wealth, she was suffering to an extent that I cannot speak to.

Two women, two moms, living two totally different lives, brought together only through proximity, one ending in laughter, the other ending in tragedy, side by side.

We measure our lives according to a yardstick that was created by others. And, against this yardstick, we feel there must be certain emotional consequences – if I can do this, then I will feel this. If I can achieve that, then I will feel that.

It doesn’t always work this way, does it?

I do not claim to be happy all the time. Hell no. I go through the same ups and downs as everyone else. I have experienced depression, I definitely suffer from low self-esteem, and I insult and criticise myself in ways that I would never use on another human.

I am also, by society’s standards, unsuccessful. I do not have a career, I do not make tons of money, and I am currently fully dependent on my husband.

But there is more joy in my life than sadness, and it took Kate Spade to show me this.

Depression and other severe emotional struggles are serious. If you are suffering, please do not feel that you cannot ask for help. You are not alone. You matter. Your loss will be felt. Ask for help and recapture the joy in your life.